Is Guilt the Focus of Your Parenting?
Many parents have slipped into guilt based parenting by accident. Many parents strive to parent out of a desire to be kind, warm, caring and educational. Working to teach children compassionately so that they are eventually prepared for what life presents them. However, in some cases, guilt seeps in and parents begin to parent from a place of guilt.
Guilt develops from very real situations such as divorcing, illnesses suffered by them or their children, financial issues, addiction and other mental health issues, death, moving and other life traumas. Parenting from the guilt position may lead parents to over indulge, set few boundaries, meet every possible need a youth presents and eventually, over time can create entitlement, lack of respect and a lack of emotional regulation in youth. Parents may eventually feel disempowered and feel unable to set boundaries with their youth and in severe cases be threatened and/or bullied by their youth. Parents can feel chronically overwhelmed, exhausted and unsupported. The youth often excel in their demands, may increase tantrums if they are not provided what they want, when they want it and in some cases may succumb to addictive pursuits, including alcohol, sex, drugs and/or internet.
It is not to say that a little guilt is a problem nor is being gracious or occasionally indulging youth creates concern however, long term guilt based parenting may lead to these issues. There is hope! Here are 5 tips to stop guilt based parenting.
Forgive yourself: We are human, we make mistakes and/or make choices that are no longer working effectively for us. If you practice a religion most have a component of forgiveness. Religions are not the issue God or Gods have forgiven you already, consider why you are not forgiving yourself and please do!- Forgive your partner: They are human and they make mistakes and/or make choices that hurt you, please find a way to work on it and move past it. Often forgiving yourself first is the key to forgiving others. If abuse is involved please seek counseling and care as forgiveness may not be the first step for your situation but safety is crucial. A mental health professional can assist you or a local shelter.
- Worry less, they will be OK: Your children and teens will be OK. You are the leaders in the family. They will take the lead from you. If you demonstrate that you can manage through tough times, they will manage too. Emotions can be shown and as they are experienced they will pass. Providing youth the opportunity to recover and bounce back from difficult times will help them learn that painful things are survivable. Even when death and loss occur, youth, given the opportunity to share information with loved ones can process the experience.
- Teach children real world skills: Spend time creating opportunities for your children and teens to learn to live successfully in the world. Building self-esteem comes from task completion. From learning to make their beds to cooking a meal or managing a bank account, youth can gain true self-pride and confidence from skill building. This includes caring for others. Creating opportunities for youth to help you, from participating in meal planning, helping to care for a sick family member or cleaning up after dinner not only creates family cohesion but community and empathy.
- Demonstrate self-care: Parenting is one of the most rewarding endeavors yet it is one of the most challenging. Take some time to rest, sleep, and love. Think of a gumball machine. If you all you do is give out gumballs to everyone you will run out. Take time to refill your gumball machine! Meditate, exercise, time with your partner or anything that fills up your gumball machine. Once you give to yourself you will have more to give to another!
